Shannea's Brain In Use

What's Wrong With Dancing In The Park?

2011-12-30T20:07:00.000-08:00

Fall quarter I took six classes (not recommended) in school and it took a little chunk out of me. Being aware of my own energy I knew I needed to break up studying one day and went to the park for a walk. I had my i-pod with me and one of my favorite songs (When Somebody Loves You Back -Teddy Pendergrass) came on and I caught a case of the boogie woogies!

At first I tried to suppress my urge to dance. There were other people in the park and I knew dancing with myself was yet another way (not by far the first) to have my neighbors question my sanity. I tried just tapping my feet and sneaking in a two step every now and again, but I caught a big case of the "can't help its" and ran with it and got my boogie on.

Two brothers stopped mid conversation to first stare, and then murmur to themselves. A couple of girls passed me and nervously hooked each other's arms and worked to create as much space as they could between me and them as they passed me. Even funnier than those people, was my long ago ex-boyfriend who was watching me from across the street. When I got to the point where he was sitting he said "Um... was that you dancing by yourself over there?" The question was one thing, but I couldn't help but laugh at noticing the look that accompanied his question. You know the look... that "is everything cool?" look.

I tried to explain to both him and myself, that I thought part of what is wrong with all of us is that there isn't enough dancing in the park; that the simple joys of life are what we need more of. I think only one of us was convinced, and it wasn't him.

So, what do you think? What's wrong with dancing in the park? When you look at your life, when you reflect on this past year, are you enjoying the simple things? Let me know what you think!

Unconditional Love? - True or False

2011-10-22T10:10:00.000-07:00

I'm fascinated by the concept of unconditional love - I hear people talk about it and wonder if it's true in the literal sense of the expression.

I was talking to a friend who shared a story where a woman was married to a man that was a minister of some sort and the man sexually abused all of his children while they were in the marriage. I was processing the experience and wondered if unconditional love was applicable in that situation, and if so, between whom. I wondered happened to the woman's heart in the experience - that was her husband harming her children; does the heart stop loving the man? Does the love stop instantly?

When you say you love someone unconditionally do you mean it literally? Do you really mean you love them under any and every condition? If they murder your baby, try to kill you, sexually abuse someone near and dear to you?

What do you think? Have you loved someone unconditionally? Have you experienced someone loving you unconditionally?

Do You Mean What You Say?

2011-09-11T19:44:00.001-07:00

For many years I've struggled with being too literal... If you say you are going to call me "right back," I literally expected right back - less than five minutes. Over the years I've learned to accept there are many people who don't say what they mean; they say something close to what they mean. For example:

Says: "What do you think? Be honest."
Means: "Give me some positive feedback."

Says: "Can I borrow some money?"
Means: "Can I have some money?"

Says: "I'll call you back."
Means: "I don't want to talk/I want to end this conversation."

Says: "I'll do anything for..."
Means: "I'll do what I think is reasonable - by my own judgment."

I think (hope, hope, hope) I'm doing a lot better with not taking people (or myself) too seriously. And, I also know it still is a struggle for me trusting people at their word because so many people don't say what they mean. If I tell someone I'll call them back and don't, it would bother me. Not because the call back is so serious, but because I didn't keep my word.

So... help me out people and tell me what you think? Do you mean what you say and say what you mean? Do you think it isn't that big of a deal if you don't live up to your literal words? Do you expect people to know what you mean against what you say? Does your personal community trust your word or have they learned not to believe exactly what you say?

Should You Do It Just Because You Can?

2011-01-30T10:38:00.000-08:00

I was talking to a guy who has a couple of ladies - he was sharing how much one of his ladies supports him and he was considering bringing yet another woman onto his "team" just to see what would happen. The lady that is most supportive quit her day job to work as a stripper and turns a lot of her earnings over to this fella.

In our conversation I asked this fella about his accountability and responsibility for how his choices and living impacts his ladies. He responded that the women are grown women, they all know about each other, and they are making a free choice.

This guy has a daughter, sisters, a mother, and women friends (other than those on his team). He shared he has a pretty clean conscious about his relationships with his women and the cause and effect he sees in the functionality and self esteem for the women.

I understand where he's coming from as far as free choice. I also think there is some accountability and responsibility to all of us to do better when we know better, even if the people around us don't. I question how is this any different from taking advantage of an old person, or a person who for whatever reason isn't operating in a way that supports what is best for them. If you really love someone (I think - my opinion only) you want what is best for them, even if it means you can't profit from them or it isn't what is best for you (and I'm not sure this would be what is best for the guy even against the perceived profit).

So... I ask you, what do you think? Do you think it is okay to do "it" just because you can?

That's What You Get!

2010-12-28T21:40:00.000-08:00

So... I got a call asking if I was available to meet with a woman we'll call Resbrusha (of course that isn't her real name) to answer a few questions and for her to run something by me. Now, I had met with this woman on 3 or 4 different occasions, 30 min - 1.5 hours each visit. That didn't bother me though; I knew she had a confusing situation and she was asking for help with a complicated scenario.

I got a call saying she'll be there in 5 minutes. 20 minutes later I got another call saying she was on her way over. What I perceived as disregard for my time is what pissed me off.

When she came moseying on down the walk way, nice and casual, I was hot as fish grease! I said to myself, hey, if she isn't worried about time, you shouldn't be either. Do what you can, and when you need to go, just go and she'll have to reschedule.

Well... when I left about 1.5 - 2 hours later (I had planned to be there 15-20 minutes) I was stuck. Two days before Christmas this woman's world was turned upside down. She went from a newlywed about to have her first born to scheduling inducing her pregnancy to have emergency surgery and treatment to attempt to save her life.

As I sat there listening to her thank me profusely, telling me I've gone way and beyond my duties, all I could feel was embarrassment for my concern with my time. I didn't even have anywhere to be except playing with my Christmas toys and getting a game of spades on. I told her, no, I need to thank you - for reminding me what living, giving and loving is really supposed to be about.

As I was walking to my car, my best self said, "That's what you get!" I think it is okay to have your boundaries and take your own needs into consideration and all that. For me, this lesson was a reminder to reserve judgment and be more mindful that you never know what people are going through and how your interaction will impact them.

What do you think?

Would You Tell?

2010-12-16T21:45:00.000-08:00

A few years ago me and an ex-boyfriend were talking about brothers who engage in homosexual activities, but live their lives in secret and also have relations with women.

My ex made the comment that he wasn't angry about brothers sleeping with men, but he was angry for them doing it on the low, and exposing women who then bring it back to him and his friends. (Let's put the ignorance of his unprotected sex aside for a minute)

I thought about what he said and I asked him, if the brothers came out how would you treat them? If it was one of your road dogs, would it be business as usual? Would you still kick it and play ball and just let who he sleeps with be his business? He started laughing and paused and said that was a hard question. He said he would be afraid to kick it one of his boys who was openly gay because people might think he was gay if he didn't have a problem kicking it with him.

So I asked him, if you had a secret that would mean you wouldn't be able to see any (or most) of your friends any more, you couldn't kick it like you used to, simple things, like chillin' or playing ball, and your whole world would turn upside down, would tell the secret? If just sharing a piece of your private life would mean that a large percentage of your personal community would ostracize you, would you still just put it out there... just to be open or would you keep that shit to yourself?

This time he paused for a long time. He said he never thought about that way, and it scared him.

I have gay friends who tell me their experience is similar to mine as far as prejudice experiences as a Brown woman. I've responded that I didn't think so... that there is a grave difference with experiencing prejudice for something you don't have the option of hiding (color of your skin, your sex) versus something you can decide to divulge. Pain is pain, AND I think it is a different experience when you live it 24/7 with no off button option. I can't go some place where people don't know I'm a Brown woman.

So... what would you do? Could you be honest and share your truth that may make your best friend stop speaking to you or your family disown you? Could you do it? Would you do it?

Just Friends?

2010-11-21T18:06:00.000-08:00

Over the course of my life I have made some of the most incredible relationships with men who claim to be heterosexual and we've never crossed the line. That is my experience, yet I know there are some men and women who feel that men and women can't be just friends.

Growing up spending most of my time with my male cousins and sometimes living with just me and my dad, I've always had many male friends; there are the rare few that I think are pretty filthy and stamp with a question mark or tilt my head and say "perhaps", but most (and I'm talking like 98% here folks) - I'd bet a lot of money that we won't become anything more than friends and neither one of us is shedding tears about it. And for my guy friends that are in relationships, he can't be a cheater and be pretty filthy so... what would be the big risk? If he's willing to cheat, neither one of us SHOULD want him (I know... I know...). Not to mention all of the cheating that happens with same sex friends. How does gender alone give you the willies?

Right now it is hard for me to imagine limiting my friend base because of gender. At this age I feel if I have someone I can consider a friend, a true friend, I don't have the gull to look a gift horse in the mouth and say "good person, wrong gender - exchange please!"

So that is how I feel [today] AND, I have met plenty of women and men who are adamant about not allowing their partner to have opposite sex friends. What do you think? Are you okay with your woman having male friends, or your man having female friends?

Let me know what you think....

Is Your Dad A Preacher?

2010-10-30T20:10:00.001-07:00

About four years ago me and this woman I had met at the gym were going out to hang and have a spa date. We met in Seattle, condensed to one car, and headed to Tacoma for the spa.

In getting to know her over a few months, we talked casually about different things - family, work, friends - I hadn't given much thought to our content. For most of my life I had been extremely close with my father so I never gave much thought to how much I referenced him in my communication and life experiences. Around the Tukwila area of our commute, my gym friend asked me, "So... is your dad a preacher or something?" Reflecting on my dad's life history and not having anything close to a preacher association, I laughed and said, "No. Why would you ask me something like that?"

She replied, "Well, you talk so much about your dad and his involvement in your life and from what you say he sounds like a really good guy and a really good father. From what I hear about most Black guys abandoning their families I figured he must be a preacher or something."

I was hot as fish grease! To this day I can remember exactly where we were on the freeway when she said that - probably because I inventoried the area seriously considering hitch hiking my way back to my car or a different scenario playing out and my gym friend having to hitch back to Seattle.

I've shared the experience and the conversation with a few friends. While there is unanimous shock that she would say that to me, there has equally been stimulating conversation about where her generalization came from. I personally flipped through my mental rolodex of Brown men that I know that are fathers - I know some damn good fathers that are Brown men, some piss poor father's of other races, and still felt a little stuck about her perspective.

So... what do you think? Brown men, I really want to hear from you - but everyone else too... When you think of Brown fathers and their support of their children and families (or lack of according to gym lady) - what is your thought against gym lady's "Is your dad a preacher?" question and following comments?

As always, tell me what you think!

So What About You? Are You Honest?

2010-09-30T07:44:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I've written about if the truth will set you free or get you in trouble and self awareness - now I'm coming straight out and asking - Are you honest? Are you a polite liar? Are you honest at all costs, do you plead the 5th, do you say what people want to hear to avoid conflict or some combination of all?

I've been doing some self assessing and I know one of the most challenging aspects for most people is my being direct and efforts at being honest. In all my tail wagging (insert shameless plug here) and self improvements I've learned to withhold some of my unsoliticed feedback, but my spirit aches at the thought of compromising honesty. I find, even when delivered with care, honesty pisses most people off AND I question how we get better without it.

I think every person would benefit from having two human attributes in their life: The first is loving, someone they KNOW loves them - on their shittest, what am I doing with my life, what is it all about days, even then they KNOW that peron loves them and smiles their big smile thinking about that peson, and the other is absolute honesty, someone that will always be honest and use that honesty to challenge you to be your best self. Now if you can get both in the same person... even better.

So I ask... are you honest? Are you able to do the hard work, or do you find most of the time it just isn't worth it?

I Got the Power!!!!

2010-08-31T18:12:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cMPKJpI_e2Q

I was out with a friend a few months ago and she mentioned how she had the power. She was referring to her job and the power she felt her position granted her. The anti-authoritarian in me almost passed out...

I've often found myself on the other end of the folk who feel they have "the power" and I've definitely shocked a supervisor or two by expressing my belief that no one has "the power" over me. And even on my way to the unemployment line I've held on to that belief.

Not everyone of course, but a lot of the people I see eager to wield their illusion of power are usually pretty insecure. Or at least the people who feel they need to declare some type of power.

So what do you think? Do you have "the power?"

The Truth Shall Set You... Free? Ostrisized? Penalized? -- What?

2010-07-24T15:45:00.000-07:00

We've all grown up with our cliche's and expectations of life's promises... "You can be anything you want to be...." "Tell the truth and the truth shall set you free..." "Finders keepers, losers weepers..." - but I have to ask... is that really accurate?

Right off the back, there are laws that throw a monkey wrench in the "finders keepers" rule. And what about "the truth shall set you free" premise? If you tell the truth, will it really set you free? If so, free from what? Or, will speaking the truth leave you to deal with undesirable consequences?

I hear people reference honesty and integrity as what they value. And then I sometimes hear those same people piss about dealing with someone communicating an uncomfortable truth or hard to digest honesty.

When I'm asked that "what is your weakness" question in an interview, I say:

I struggle with trying to interpret what people say against what they really mean. Often times people say they want the truth, but it has been my experience it would be more accurate for them to say, "Hey! I'm going to ask you a question and I want you to tell me what you think I want to hear - make me feel good. For example, if I give you a document and ask you to edit it and give me your honest feedback, what I really want is for you to tell me I've done a good job and accentuate anything I've done particularly well."

The reaction is they usually laugh at how ridiculous the scenario is, AND how much it happens.

So... Will the truth set you free, or leave you "ass-ed" out for being honest and/or dealing with unfavorable consequences? Do you say what you really think, or what you really think they want to hear?

Let me know what you think!

Do You See What I See?

2010-06-06T21:41:00.000-07:00

Self awareness is tough; most of us see ourselves very differently than those around us see us. I’m not suggesting by any stretch of the imagination that outside perception is more accurate (if it is I’m in deep doggy doo!) than self assessment. I am offering, however, that there are times there is a huge discrepancy.

I’ve had some people say they see me as too serious (I know, I know, you’re thinking “too serious for what?” I don’t know and so far neither do they; sorry), and yet others who think I’m one to call when you just want to laugh and have a good time. I see both my serious and funny sides, but there are people who see one side and could never even imagine the other side exists.

Or what about the people so many think are quiet and reserved, and you know they are a riot – it just isn't their surface person.

I had one friend that I shared my honest opinion of her with; she was floored. I suggested she pick a few people she trusted to be honest, and give them a way out in case they weren’t comfortable answering. She handed out index cards and asked a few people to write down what they thought of her. She was very surprised; her intentions and what she felt inside was very different from the way her loved ones perceived her.

So… what do you think? Do you think the way you see yourself is the way others see you? Do you see what I see, or something very different?

My disclaimer – consider your source! Hurting people hurt people – if you ask for perspective, consider the space of the person you asking and use what you know to filter their answer. Everyone that thinks they love you or wants to love you may not be able to have your best interest at heart because of where they are in their life journey.

What Would You Do?

2010-03-28T19:23:00.001-07:00

Mid February of 2010 there was a fight in the Seattle bus tunnel that was caught on tape. Soon after, the video of the fight and evidence of tunnel security guards standing near by watching, but not stopping the fight, was broadcast throughout the nation.

The thing that stopped me in my tracks and made me start talking out loud to my T.V. wasn't the fight itself, but the testimony of one of the witnesses. The witness is recorded (http://www.ktvb.com/news/regional/3-Seattle-bus-tunnel-guards-watch-brutal-beating--84028627.html) ripping the security guards a new butt hole, voice raised, questioning why "they" didn't do anything.

Granted, I can see the logic in that question, but as someone happy to be on camera questioning why "they" didn't do anything, my question was, why didn't "you" (the witness) do something. Okay, you didn't have a bright yellow jacket and a flash light, but...

So my question to you is, what would you do? As a fellow human, contributor of universal energy, what would you do if you witnessed an incident like this? Would you do something to try to intervene? Would you not take any action, but expect others to? Do you see it as "not my business?"

What do you think?

What's In A Name?

2010-01-31T18:46:00.000-08:00

Ever wonder why some positions entitle people to put their job title or degree in their name? You know, like Dr. Patterson or Judge Patterson, but you never hear someone introduce themselves as Receptionist Patterson. What do you think about introducing me as Goat Herder Patterson from now on?

I say entitle people, because their usually is a strong sense of entitlement in those title weighted name introductions. Ever call a Pastor by their first name or a judge? Live entertainment! Unless you're fighting a ticket or being dunked under water of course...

As I was saying, some of the time when the name wave is ridden, it doesn't have any relevance. If I meet your dentist at your wedding reception, he's just Richard, not Dr. Cavity Filler unless he's passing out free dental work coupons as part of the wedding favors -- he's not my dentist!My Mom is MY mom, but I in no way expect you to call her that.

So... I'm just saying, what's in a name -- or more specifically, a title in a name?

Okay parents! I get it!

2009-12-20T18:47:00.000-08:00

I went to a Winter Festival or Winter Concert where a young man that I'm a huge fan of was performing. This young man is the son of a friend I used to work with, and everything in the experience made me understand why parents trek to event after event...

So, I was invited to this event by my dear friend Sage. Because I recently started a new job (yes again, for all you Why I Wag My Tail fans) and had already committed to attending a holiday party with the woman I report to, I hadn't given Sage a yes or a no on if I would make it. I didn't want to disappoint him, and I thought if I could make it, I wanted it to be a surprise.

So, there I was sitting between Sage's Mom and Dad. As I saw Sage (along with the rest of the participants) scan the audience for their fans, I saw this double take and humongo smile as he realized I was there. His eyes said, "There's Jasmine (his sister), Mom, A person, whoo -- is that Shannea? and my Dad? It was the first time I actually saw excitement in some one's eyes when it didn't involve money or a piece of ass! The look on his face was priceless. I had hell trying to get it there... I had to gracefully exit the event with my new job, try to find a store that sold flowers in the neighborhood (thanks Mom for teaching me to do that), and by the time I saw him I was going on 12 hours straight. But! I have to tell ya! The look on his face made everything I was experiencing 100% worth it! I don't know if I ever felt more appreciated than I did in that moment, and it was then that I understood what all my friends who are parents go through in their choices and sacrifices.

So... to you parents I say, hats down to you! It matters, for them and for you. I respect the process!

Happy New Year! Much love,
Shannea

Religion Versus Spirituality

2009-11-27T20:43:00.000-08:00

What is the difference between religion and spirituality? Here are a few definitions I found:

Religion:

A system of beliefs, a set of thoughts you regard as absolute truth
A belief in a divine or superhuman power or powers to be obeyed and worshiped as the creator(s) and ruler(s) of the universe
An expression of such belief in conduct and ritual

Spirituality:

Nothing to do with what you believe, but everything to do with your state of consciousness; determines how you act in the world and interact with others
Spiritual character, quality or nature

I don't want to get too deep and turn this blog post into a short story, so I'll try turn on my own "wrap it up" music and get to the point.

When I think of religion as being thoughts and beliefs, and rituals perhaps, and spirituality your state of consciousness or character that determines how you interact with others, it makes good sense to me. I recently have become close friends with someone who identifies as an atheist. From the way I was raised, hearing atheist made me think if I stared long enough I could see little horns growing out of her head. My ignorance for the literal definition of atheist aside, this woman is one of the most conscious people I've met, in both thought and deed. I have many close friends and family that are devoutly religious that will bust you upside your head 'til the white meat shows and immediately ask forgiveness and profess, "The Lord knows my heart!"

Don't get me wrong, an atheist, agnostic, Christian, Buddhist, and all of the others -- we're all capable of, well, the not so cool flaws of human behavior. My point in bringing this up, is that knowledge and discipline of beliefs and rituals is so very different from being conscious and aware and actively participating in making a positive contribution in the universe. What difference does it make if I can quote a gazillion verses from the "the truth" if I'm constantly hurting all those around me?

What do you think?

This Is Our Little Secret Kid...

2009-11-22T17:47:00.000-08:00

If a family has a policy of "don't tell" or "what happens at our house stays at our house," what is the message it sends to a kid? Is the expectation that kids decipher between a good secret and a bad secret?

I find that most adults can't keep a secret and I hear countless stories of adults needing to vent, yet I still hear of many a kid getting an ass whoopin' for telling Grandma, Auntie, or the other parent about something going on in their house. Could you imagine having an experience that confused you enough to have your face tore up like there was a pile of shit under your nose but not able to tell anyone about it? Well that's what it's like for a kid expected to hold family secrets or something they are confused about, except I think it's worse, because the adults we are teaching them to otherwise trust and respect are treated like the enemy in the instance of "our little secret." What a mixed message!

Yet and still we're surprised time and time again when our kids don't disclose inappropriate things that happen to them. Ohhhh, this was a secret I should have told??????

I suspect I'll get a few not so friendly messages about this one, but I'm just sayin'... instead of the closet, maybe leave your skeletons in the hotel room or some other place where your kid won't know and isn't left to carry the burden.

What do you think?

Is Less More?

2009-11-07T08:54:00.000-08:00

In my last post I mentioned having a conversation with my great aunt where she spoke about moving her family up north for more opportunity, but consequently less unity.

Untie said when we had less she felt rich; every need was met and the sense of family was unbelievable. She spoke about family supporting each other and we didn't have the sense of "me and mine" our family is deeply entrenched in now. If someone was struggling or going through a situation, we banned together no question. She said there were times there was four to a bed, two at the head and two at the foot; I imagine these weren't king sized beds either.

I've also had countless conversations with friends in their 30's and 40's, who equally grew up without much, but talk about the "yest er years" as if their best days are behind them. I hear memories of growing up in neighborhoods where store bought toys were limited, but rich imaginations, a plethora of friends and all the "outside" your body could handle was enough to keep a kid happy until "the streets light came on." Now most of my friends make a minimum of $60,000, one, two kids at the max, and more bored, dissatisfied and depressed as ever. Much better toys, but no one to play with!

What do you think? Can less be more? Do you think we have a habit of replacing people and relationships with things?

How Come We Can't Do It?

2009-11-01T19:42:00.000-08:00

I've heard a lot of jokes about people from other countries packing in a house like sardines. Across the street from my house there is a home owned by an Asian man that nightly has about 10 cars parked in front of the home, and three or four scattered on the neighboring streets.

Well... I actually think they are pretty smart, at least financially, not to mention the support and unity I imagine happening. Most people born and raised in America living above the poverty level can't fathom sharing a house, let alone a room, or a bed (I'm generalizing here -- keep your undies on!). And don't even get me started about unity and togetherness.

Can you imagine what life would be like if you lived in a house, owned by one of the residents, where everyone paid $300 per month, you always had someone you love and trust to watch the kids, and you cook two times per week, but eat well balanced home cooked meals everyday because everyone is on kitchen duty rotation? And when you leave, it is to buy your own property, not "rent" a strangers? Probably not, which is my point.

I was talking to my 80 year old aunt and she said she thinks her generation did our family a disservice moving us up north with all this opportunity (yes, read it again!). She said we had so much more when we had so much less.

I know peace in a 3 bedroom house with 8 or more residents requires love, respect and a shared commitment. That I know; what I don't know, is why can't we do it? Absolute survival aside, how come we have such a hard time coming together, preferring struggling alone?

What do you think?

Poor Jesus!

2009-10-17T20:45:00.000-07:00

Now, before we even get going, let me acknowledge that I know it is taboo to talk to friends about their mates, their children, politics, and RELIGION! So, for anyone who professes to love me but feels the need to take me out back and open an fresh can of whoop ass after reading this blog post, I apologize for offending you and ask that you remember all of my post are a release for me, a means of expression (can I request the smallest can?).

I say "Poor Jesus" cause if there is ever a person who gets blamed for any and everything, it's Jesus! I've heard people excuse leaving a marriage, starting a marriage, starting an affair, betraying someone, telling someone about themselves, even threatening someone... all in the name of Jesus! "Jesus spoke to me and told me to sell all my worldly possessions and quit my job and to prophesy to the world. I just need a little support from you. You aren't going to go against Jesus are you?" Or better yet, "In the name of Jesus I'm about to whoop your ass! But He knows my heart!"

Now, I'll be the first to admit the detriment of the human mind. Of all the voices and internal conversations I have, I do profess to having a few with God and some of his hit men. So far, when I dare to quote God, it is about something he is saying to me. It hasn't happened yet so I can't be 100 percent, but in my opinion to date, if God starts telling me to check other people, my first question will be, "Well, if you're God and you can do anything, why can't you tell them? I mean, if I'm human, definitely vulnerable to ass kickins and other detriment, and you are the Omnipotent... I'm just sayin!" I mean seriously, who stands a better chance of survival here?

Let me be crystal clear, Jesus didn't tell me to ask, this is Shannea asking... can we let God and Jesus off the hook and own our own behavior? Do you really think Jesus is going to ask you to do something to someone that is going to have them crying the cry of their life and rocking in a corner swatting away imaginary flies after your "Jesus message?" Really?

Again, I'm asking, not Jesus, but if there is anything we can use the name of Jesus for, can it be to work to put good love out, get good love in, and remember that life is a journey that has made most of us question at some point, "where the f... am I going?"

In the name of Jesus (oh Lord forgive me!) I'm going to trust that you are doing the best you can in your life journey and you have every intention of executing everything in your power to work it out and do your best. And, if not, I trust Jesus to handle that!

What do you think. Have you been "told" in the name of Jesus?

Black People Don't Do That

2009-10-04T10:36:00.000-07:00

Recently I had a conversation with a guy and he made a comment about how I talk, suggesting I was "acting white." As I listened to him refer to himself and his friends as "niggas" I couldn't help but tune him out and think about the irony of his criticism and his ignorance in using a word created by whites to reflect condescension and ignorance. I hoped he was "acting" and sometime soon someone would yell cut and then delete the scene.

So many times I've suggested trying something new, or shared an experience or some of my thoughts, to be teased and hear some version of being different, I'm on some other shit, or have it confirmed I am a black sheep. I shared with someone something as simple as going to Alki, spending some time meditating and reading, to which they replied, "Black people do not do that!" Well guess what, I'm Black and... I DO THAT! (Yes I still prefer my literal usage of "Brown)

I don't understand what it is we do supposedly do. If it isn't reading books, using proper English, trying new experiences, exposing our minds to new things, creativity, and passion, what do we do? I don't care if I'm using proper English, slang, Spanish, or not speaking at all and using sign language, I'm the same me. If I'm beating someone at spades or scrabble... you guessed it, same me. A Brown woman is what I am, not what I do.

What do you think?

Will You Zip My Pants?

2009-03-22T18:26:00.000-07:00

This one challenged my thought process...

One Friday I was in the gym locker room; it was mid morning so the locker room was pretty sparse, just me and one other woman.

As I walked passed the woman working to make the small towels the gym provides cover my privates, I made eye contact and smirked and said, "Hello!" We clearly made eye contact, but the woman did not say a word in response. No hello, hey, the infamous head nod...nothing!

I chuckled a little out loud and tossed some thoughts around in my head about how little it would take to be cordial and say hello or at least acknowledge that I spoke. I kept walking to my locker and let the towels drop and started to get dressed. About two minutes later (literally) I'm half dressed and the same woman came up to me with her pants undone, no shirt on - and I'm talking kissing close- and asked, "Will you button my pants?"

I thought I would shit bricks; I was totally caught off guard. I looked at her face and the serious expression she bore and said "Say what?" She said, "I have arthritis really bad in my hands and I've been over there struggling the last few minutes trying to get my pants fastened. Until you came in I didn't know what I was going to do." This same woman who didn't speak or acknowledge me was now asking for an up close and personal favor.

Of course I helped her get her britches right, but what struck me the most was how presumptuous and judgmental I was about why she didn't speak. I thought she was being a grump ass, I thought about racism and prejudice and so many other factors that weigh into my daily experiences, and this woman was totally preoccupied with how she was going to get her pants on and how to ask a stranger for such personal help.

Humbling!

How about you? Any experiences that help you put yourself in check?

What Do You Do?

2009-02-07T13:18:00.001-08:00

Have you ever been to a "what do you do" party? That's a party where people you don't know or barely know approach you with a plastered smile and passively begin to size you up by asking "What do you do?"

"Why" is the response that always comes to mind. I live. I wake up each day and try to honor my life commitment and fulfill my life purpose. Do you really mean something more along the lines of what's my title, how much money do I make, what can I do for you, am I worth your party networking minutes, what is my social status? Or something more like, what is important to me, how I spend my time and how I love? I'm especially intrigued by the "what do you do" question when it comes before "what is your name" or something else that seems more personable.

I try to resist responding with "why" by itself because it usually relays my irritation with the question more than my curiosity for the context of the question -and I have both. I told a friend I was going to start responding, "I'm a goat herder, what about you?" He suggested that I add I'm looking for a shit scooper and ask if they could recommend anyone.

I recently went to a house warming party where the majority of the attendees were non-brown people. Almost everyone that spoke to me asked what do I do, most of them before asking my name, some of them after. All of the conversations I was privy to seemed some sort of status exchange. I was entertained by the responses depending on the position and wondered how my goat herding would fare, but what I was most entertained by was analyzing why this was the M O of this party and why I didn't think to approach a stranger and ask what do they do. I started thinking about what do I ask a person I've just met or want to meet, what am I interested in knowing,and how would I ask without being intrusive?

I started reflecting on other experiences and for me, I most often experience the "what do you do" shake down at work related functions or parties that are predominately non-brown or a mix. At predominately brown functions, if I experience the "what do you do" it is usually after engaging for a while and getting to know a person and liking what you experience and wanting to know more, after what is your name, who are you here with, are you having a good time, get out much, type of questions.

What's your experience?

To Wag or Not to Wag?

2008-12-21T10:14:00.001-08:00

Ever had one bad experience after another and never been able to figure out why? Sometimes we unknowingly are our own worst enemies. Most of the challenges we face can be circumvented simply by the choices we make and a shift in our paradigm – there is a way out! In the warm and funny “Why I Wag my Tail”, Shannea Patterson gives readers a clear solution to unblocking their lives and attaining success, life purpose, and peace and joy. When Shannea struggled to reintegrate herself into the business world, nothing seemed to work until a chance conversation with a friend changed her life—and her attitude. People who are afraid of dogs gauge how to, or if to, approach the dog by judging the behavior the dog exhibits. Almost no one approaches a growling dog bearing all its teeth (except maybe a dog catcher), while many anxiously greet a dog that is wagging its tail. People, too, exhibit behaviors and project energy that people receive and judge. Patterson took her friend’s advice, and to her surprise, her whole world blossomed offering out of this world personal experiences and catapulting her career. Define success for yourself and then commit to it, she advises. Practical and helpful, Why I Wag my Tail is both inspiring and helpful.

Okay, so there is the book summary (back cover text, feel free to comment), but the questions I'd love to hear you respond to are: How do you feel about the concept of wagging your tail? Do yo understand what tail wagging is in this context? Are you a tail wager? If so, does it come with ease or does it take a concentrated effort? Do you feel conflicted with tail wagging? Do you wag your tail in your professional and your personal life - and if both, is there a difference in the way you wag?

I'll tell you what I think in the next blog, but first I'd love to hear from you!

Is Stuntin A Habbit?

2008-11-15T08:16:00.000-08:00

I was listening to a song on the radio "You Need to Get Like Me (Stuntin is a Habit)" where the artist is talking about all that he has (money, diamonds, car, rims, etc.). Listening to the lyrics made me slip into one of my miscellaneous analyzing moments where I started thinking about why frontin' and keeping up with the Jones' is so popular.

Every time I balance my check book and work on my budget I think about how I'm spending my time and money and if it supports my values and what I say I'm committed to. Is stuntin a habit? Am I living beyond my means? Am I spending money and making choices to support an image and feed public opinion verses my needs and wants?

I have two cars (both buckets), an '82 Honda Accord hatch back and a '99 Dodge Stratus. Often times people respond like I'm one crack habit away from homeless when I slide through in the Honda. I love seeing the shock on people's faces when they register the car I'm driving against who they have assessed me to be. There is this "Oh, I didn't know" look on their face. And yes, it might help if I wash off the green check mark on my back window put there by Washington State Patrol the last time I had a breakdown.

A few years ago I saw a kid that was raised in a day care I previously owned. He was walking me to my car. He asked which car was mine - I said, "The blue one right there." There were two blue cars, one newer VW Bug and my blue beauty. The kid's eyes lit up and he said, "You have a slug bug?" I said, "Oh, I meant the other blue car." He said, "Ewe!" I almost pissed my pants. It was hilarious.

Here's what is even funnier. Most of the people I know that make $20K - 40K drive newer cars ranging from $15,000 - $60,000, with TV consoles and a bunch of bells and whistles, often times in a rented home or an apartment with the car parked in an open area, if not on the street. The people I know that make $60K - 200K typically drive cars 5 years or older either purchasing them new and driving them until the wheels fall off or buying some used reliable car from $2,000-5,000, if they have a car at all.

I was watching a show today where Baby Face said it wouldn't matter much to him if he was pushing a Nova. While they aren't quite pushing a Nova or Pinto, I do know a few under cover, Birkenstock Seattle millionaires that don't have a lick of visible "bling."

I wonder about people who need to wear the T-shirt about what they have; is it insecurity, do they really have it, or is it just a personality style? I've never heard Bill Gates talking about how much money he has...hmmm

I have a good friend that is very financially stable that is a new car owner, and that is because her 82 Toyota (yes, we are quite the pair) was gifted to her and her husband. If you think I get crack treatment pulling up in the Honda, you should see how people respond when she asks, "What bus would I catch to get there?"

Stereotypes, assessments, and judgments have their place in this world just like everything else. And just like everything else, our judgments can alter our life experiences. So...where are you at? Is stuntin a habit? How do you rate your life or the lives of others based off of superficial elements?

What do you think?

Are You A Husband Son?

2008-11-01T15:31:00.000-07:00

Are you, or anyone you know, a "Husband Son?" A "Husband Son" is a guy who has a relationship with his mother that teeters between husband and son.

I dated a guy once who was the oldest of three sons. His mother, single at the time, had been married and divorced three times and each of the sons had a different father. The mother prided herself in her relationship and dependence on her boys. The first time I met her she proudly recanted a story where she left my friend, again the oldest, at home at the age of 8 to attend to his younger brother (alone) while she was in the hospital giving birth to her youngest child. This mother lived in the same state as my friend, but in a different city with the quickest commute route by car and ferry. My friend spent at least three days per week with his mom and younger brother, taking his mom to the store, to run errands, and out on the town regularly. He was late on one of our last dates because his mother asked him to come over and change a light bulb (at least 45 minutes in driving time AND a ferry ride y'all!). In one of our last conversations he made reference to being single. I replied, "No honey! You are married with two children!" He simply responded with, "Oh, so you too huh?" He had heard the comment before.

I talked to one of my good girlfriends about the mother and son role and she said, "You know, I never thought about it like that. I could very well be raising two Husband Sons!" As we talked a little more about the different cause and effects of family living we recognized how easy it is for anyone to take on a role in the absence of a role (a grandmother passes away and one of the daughter takes on trying to keep the family together, mom is at work, oldest kid steps up to parent, etc.).

While I value respecting your mother, both parents for that matter, and I think the American culture needs to step up valuing our elders, is becoming a Husband Son taking things too far? Is there a line between the way you treat your mom and the way you treat your woman? What do you do when there is a power struggle between the two and the issue is you?

In the case of my guy friend, he was conflicted with living a life he could create and mold verses the role his mother felt he was obligated to live - to reciprocate the sacrifice she made.

What do you think?